Met my husband here and need some advice

Serenitydp

New member
Jan 1, 2019
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So been married with my husband 6 years and things are very difficult. He is very selfish along with his family and he was raised very tough and with basically no love and he is the same with our kids. He doesn't want to spend time with us it is all about him and what he wants to do and we are always last. Everything is about the DR and how he misses it etc. So I tell him I didn't bring you here and if you miss it you should have gone back. He ruins every holiday I have as he is not happy. I am at a loss. I am near the end. Dont know what to do.

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the gorgon

New member
Sep 16, 2010
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So been married with my husband 6 years and things are very difficult. He is very selfish along with his family and he was raised very tough and with basically no love and he is the same with our kids. He doesn't want to spend time with us it is all about him and what he wants to do and we are always last. Everything is about the DR and how he misses it etc. So I tell him I didn't bring you here and if you miss it you should have gone back. He ruins every holiday I have as he is not happy. I am at a loss. I am near the end. Dont know what to do.

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and he hid all this from you before you married him? you mean he sprung his assholery on you suddenly one brisk autumn evening?
 

jd426

Well-known member
Dec 12, 2009
7,827
405
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My New Years Resolution is to not be so selfish,
So, Should I make some extra Orville Redenbacher for the whole group ?
 

Fulano2

Nomen nescio.
Jun 5, 2011
2,334
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Europe
So been married with my husband 6 years and things are very difficult. He is very selfish along with his family and he was raised very tough and with basically no love and he is the same with our kids. He doesn't want to spend time with us it is all about him and what he wants to do and we are always last. Everything is about the DR and how he misses it etc. So I tell him I didn't bring you here and if you miss it you should have gone back. He ruins every holiday I have as he is not happy. I am at a loss. I am near the end. Dont know what to do.
I think you need to talk about the changes you both have to make. Work both on it and evaluate after a month or so. If there will be no significant change, then decide what to do, live with it or split up.
 

chico bill

Lobotomy Surgeon
May 6, 2016
6,610
582
113
So been married with my husband 6 years and things are very difficult. He is very selfish along with his family and he was raised very tough and with basically no love and he is the same with our kids. He doesn't want to spend time with us it is all about him and what he wants to do and we are always last. Everything is about the DR and how he misses it etc. So I tell him I didn't bring you here and if you miss it you should have gone back. He ruins every holiday I have as he is not happy. I am at a loss. I am near the end. Dont know what to do.

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Your first post to DR1 is to post about a Dominican you took to your country (I assume) and are now disillusioned. I think that, if you are in fact real, you would be better seeking advice from those that know you & him - not a Dominican Forum. Your post seems like click bait
 

Matilda

RIP Lindsay
Sep 13, 2006
5,485
312
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To speak to other women married to Dominicans who face similar problems when the Dominican goes to live with them in their home country, I suggest you join a Facebook group specifically for foreigners married to Dominicans.

British: UK Dominican Spouses https://www.facebook.com/groups/492074790913129/
American: American Spouses of Dominican men https://www.facebook.com/groups/112999559327349/
All nationalities - mainly Canadian and American: Dominicano Spouses https://www.facebook.com/groups/DominicanoSpouses/

You will find the advise, empathy and understanding somewhat more helpful than you have received to date here.

Matilda
 

the gorgon

New member
Sep 16, 2010
33,997
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To speak to other women married to Dominicans who face similar problems when the Dominican goes to live with them in their home country, I suggest you join a Facebook group specifically for foreigners married to Dominicans.

British: UK Dominican Spouses https://www.facebook.com/groups/492074790913129/
American: American Spouses of Dominican men https://www.facebook.com/groups/112999559327349/
All nationalities - mainly Canadian and American: Dominicano Spouses https://www.facebook.com/groups/DominicanoSpouses/

You will find the advise, empathy and understanding somewhat more helpful than you have received to date here.

Matilda
now there is a helpful suggestion. i do nor predict too many sympathetic responses in this forum..
 

yacht chef

Active member
Sep 13, 2009
1,587
15
38
To speak to other women married to Dominicans who face similar problems when the Dominican goes to live with them in their home country, I suggest you join a Facebook group specifically for foreigners married to Dominicans.

British: UK Dominican Spouses https://www.facebook.com/groups/492074790913129/
American: American Spouses of Dominican men https://www.facebook.com/groups/112999559327349/
All nationalities - mainly Canadian and American: Dominicano Spouses https://www.facebook.com/groups/DominicanoSpouses/

You will find the advise, empathy and understanding somewhat more helpful than you have received to date here.

Matilda
A good person with good advice.
 

JDJones

Gold
Jan 7, 2016
1,985
54
48
I always remember what Ann Landers said when I see a post like this.

"Ask yourself this simple question: Are you better with him or without him"

Once you know the answer, you know which way to go. Do it.
 

cavok

Well-known member
Jun 16, 2014
4,312
281
83
I can tell fro what you said that now is the time to start planning for a divorce. Protect your assests. The longer you postpone the inevitable, the longer you will be miserable.

"Men marry women hoping they will never change - but they do. Women marry men hoping they will change - but they don't".
 

the gorgon

New member
Sep 16, 2010
33,997
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I always remember what Ann Landers said when I see a post like this.

"Ask yourself this simple question: Are you better with him or without him"

Once you know the answer, you know which way to go. Do it.
sage advice, JD. that about sums it up...
 

jd426

Well-known member
Dec 12, 2009
7,827
405
83
I always remember what Ann Landers said when I see a post like this.

"Ask yourself this simple question: Are you better with him or without him"

Once you know the answer, you know which way to go. Do it.
That is an excellent Reference .. i also recall her words well.
I do believe she actually said "are you better off with him or without him"
I would humbly like to say that if Ann were alive today , she might have changed it ever so slightly to meet the challenges of the Times by saying
" Are you a better Person with him, or without him"

but then again, in ANN Landers time , there were almost always KIDS involved in the picture .. so their well being always came into play as well .
 

Matilda

RIP Lindsay
Sep 13, 2006
5,485
312
63
Dominicans changing behaviour when they move overseas is very common. Here are some of the reasons.

In most cases if a Dominican marries a foreign woman and goes to live in her country, it will be the first time he has been out of the DR. All he will know about his new country is what he has seen on the television, or talking to people who have been there (who always talk about the good!) The culture shock can be massive, not just the way things are done, but maybe the cold, missing family and friends, language barriers, different food, different everything. Some Dominicans will step up to the plate and embrace their new country, for others it is much harder, but understanding how they feel and trying to make them feel at home can help. Think of how many expats live in the DR and end up going home as they dislike too many things about the place. And what Dominicans consider normal, such as lack of electricity, expats will dislike. It works the other way around too, in that what you think is normal, they will not like. You should anticipate a period of adjustment.
Foreign women are used to coping with stress, as life is stressful in the developed world and people just get used to it. Long journeys to work, long working hours, maybe working two jobs or more, money issues – especially when saving all of the time to visit the DR. Rules and regulations which you just take for granted. One of the great things about the DR is the lack of stress. Few time pressures, lots of laughs, no appointments to go and see people as you just call in, drinking at the colmado. Imagine how a Dominican man feels when he experiences stress for the first time. It is a feeling which he is not used to. I remember my husband once asking me, when he was working very hard, that he felt strange and was that ‘estress’. And if the stress is ongoing, which it usually is, then the discomfort and unhappiness he feels builds. Many will miss feeling happy and relaxed and this can lead to frustration.
Many Dominican men have temper issues – although you may rarely see them. When they feel under stress, or cornered, they become angry. This is usually verbal but unfortunately can sometimes become physical. I think it is simply because they are not used to communicating and it is the only way they have learned to express how frustrated they feel. This is by no means condoning it, just that by understanding you can help to avoid these situations. Dominican men will become like a cat, cornered by a dog and hiss and spit. Afterwards they forget about it, but many relationships fail due to the woman not appreciating the stress their man is under, as for them stress is a way of life and they know how to cope with it. All they see is the man they married disappearing, and being replaced by someone who is sullen, uncommunicative and with outbursts of temper.


Matilda
 

the gorgon

New member
Sep 16, 2010
33,997
72
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Dominicans changing behaviour when they move overseas is very common. Here are some of the reasons.

In most cases if a Dominican marries a foreign woman and goes to live in her country, it will be the first time he has been out of the DR. All he will know about his new country is what he has seen on the television, or talking to people who have been there (who always talk about the good!) The culture shock can be massive, not just the way things are done, but maybe the cold, missing family and friends, language barriers, different food, different everything. Some Dominicans will step up to the plate and embrace their new country, for others it is much harder, but understanding how they feel and trying to make them feel at home can help. Think of how many expats live in the DR and end up going home as they dislike too many things about the place. And what Dominicans consider normal, such as lack of electricity, expats will dislike. It works the other way around too, in that what you think is normal, they will not like. You should anticipate a period of adjustment.
Foreign women are used to coping with stress, as life is stressful in the developed world and people just get used to it. Long journeys to work, long working hours, maybe working two jobs or more, money issues – especially when saving all of the time to visit the DR. Rules and regulations which you just take for granted. One of the great things about the DR is the lack of stress. Few time pressures, lots of laughs, no appointments to go and see people as you just call in, drinking at the colmado. Imagine how a Dominican man feels when he experiences stress for the first time. It is a feeling which he is not used to. I remember my husband once asking me, when he was working very hard, that he felt strange and was that ‘estress’. And if the stress is ongoing, which it usually is, then the discomfort and unhappiness he feels builds. Many will miss feeling happy and relaxed and this can lead to frustration.
Many Dominican men have temper issues – although you may rarely see them. When they feel under stress, or cornered, they become angry. This is usually verbal but unfortunately can sometimes become physical. I think it is simply because they are not used to communicating and it is the only way they have learned to express how frustrated they feel. This is by no means condoning it, just that by understanding you can help to avoid these situations. Dominican men will become like a cat, cornered by a dog and hiss and spit. Afterwards they forget about it, but many relationships fail due to the woman not appreciating the stress their man is under, as for them stress is a way of life and they know how to cope with it. All they see is the man they married disappearing, and being replaced by someone who is sullen, uncommunicative and with outbursts of temper.


Matilda
wonderful set of observations...the phenomena apply to any caribbean person, and people similarly socialized.
 

cavok

Well-known member
Jun 16, 2014
4,312
281
83
I always remember what Ann Landers said when I see a post like this.

"Ask yourself this simple question: Are you better with him or without him"

Once you know the answer, you know which way to go. Do it.

Good advice, but the problem is most of these women are so blindly in love they can't envision a life without him.
 

rfp

Active member
Jul 5, 2010
1,332
22
38
If the man is not ready to cut ties to DR then he has to go. You can send your mom some money but hanging on to and romanticizing life in a backwards country will get you nowhere.

How many Dominicans cant get money together for a down payment on a house but travel twice a year to show off to their loser relatives ?

How many Dominicans dont learn English properly and dont integrate and instead hang out with fellow losers ?

I have limited connections with Dominicans in the US outside of some family, most successful immigrants move on and leave the 3rd world behind where it belongs.
 

cavok

Well-known member
Jun 16, 2014
4,312
281
83
If the man is not ready to cut ties to DR then he has to go. You can send your mom some money but hanging on to and romanticizing life in a backwards country will get you nowhere.

How many Dominicans cant get money together for a down payment on a house but travel twice a year to show off to their loser relatives ?

How many Dominicans dont learn English properly and dont integrate and instead hang out with fellow losers ?

I have limited connections with Dominicans in the US outside of some family, most successful immigrants move on and leave the 3rd world behind where it belongs.
This is what most successful immigrants do and, in fact, what all immigrants used to do in the past. You never saw the Irish, Italians, Germans, Polish, Greeks, or Asians come over here and bemoan the fact that it wasn't like their home country.

My mom's parents were Irish and came over "on the boat". They cut the ties completely. Never once did they wish to go back to Ireland nor identify as an hyphenated American. They were just proud to be an American.
 

the gorgon

New member
Sep 16, 2010
33,997
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This is what most successful immigrants do and, in fact, what all immigrants used to do in the past. You never saw the Irish, Italians, Germans, Polish, Greeks, or Asians come over here and bemoan the fact that it wasn't like their home country.

My mom's parents were Irish and came over "on the boat". They cut the ties completely. Never once did they wish to go back to Ireland nor identify as an hyphenated American. They were just proud to be an American.
actually, it is not just Europeans who were prepared to assimilate. i know numerous people who were in my class at high school, who left after graduation, and headed to the USA. a few of my classmates actually went to Vietnam, and two of them died there. to me, that is committment enough.

what is being lost in these observations is that not everybody wants to go to America. we hear the repetitive anecdotes of all these sankies who hook up with homely matrons in order to get a green card. there are also people who do not want to go to America. not everybody is enthralled with the ''freedom'' and ''way of life''. some people see a foreign partner as a way out of poverty, but would much rather that said person would move to the DR, and get a house there in a nice neighborhood, and buy a car. they are not thrilled with the idea of leaving their country.
 

malko

Campesino !! :)
Jan 12, 2013
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This is what most successful immigrants do and, in fact, what all immigrants used to do in the past. You never saw the Irish, Italians, Germans, Polish, Greeks, or Asians come over here and bemoan the fact that it wasn't like their home country.

My mom's parents were Irish and came over "on the boat". They cut the ties completely. Never once did they wish to go back to Ireland nor identify as an hyphenated American. They were just proud to be an American.
Well the lot of us bemoan a bunch here on dr1, no ? ;) It doesnt mean we dont like it here in the dr ( or we wouldnt be here, would we ? ), it just means we want the best of both worlds ( even though we wont get it :( ).

To the OP, you could ask your husband why he is unhappy ( or if he is unhappy ). You may have diffrent goals in life.

He is from the Dominican Republic, he was not fleeing famine or war or persecution, he was just looking for better economic opportunities.
Clearly, a successful dominican migrant is someone that will come back to his home island when he is 30 or 40, having made enough $, €, £, or yuans to live life in a relative comfort ( and/or open a small buisness ), and lie back and enjoy life.
I say that as I understood from your post that it was not you who brought him there ( wherever there is ), so I guess you met him in your home country.

And yes, some things in the dominican culture may seem selfish to us westerners, but, in my opinion, it is because they have a sans-souci outlook on life. And values are diffrent, life is lived in the present. ( whereas in the western world we plan years ahead, ie, savings, university for the kids, pay a house over decades, etc.......)
Bear in mind that there are things we may do that seem selfish to dominicans.