Adjusting to your new country.

[kacy]

well here we are - three months gone:

I don't know if I have a lot of tips but maybe something here will help.

I went to get my husband in the midst of one of the biggest blizzards in Calgary ever. My flight was delayed I missed my first connection, would have missed the second - but made it just as the gate was closing - unfortunately my luggage didn't - and being as I went on Friday came back monday - and the luggage was empty for his stuff and had his winter clothes -a bit stressful.... we landed in Calgary to -37 weather - awesome

I spent the first week or so at home with him - we got our SIN, healthcard, signed up for ESL, got a bank account and drove around the new city. And slept - both of us were exhausted from the process. You can get your SIN and healthcard in alberta with just the record of landing. I also was able to sign him up for benefits.

after that it was the busy christmas season so that kept us tied up - didn't really feel like real life set in until January.

My husband has integrated well - he goes to one of the two small latin stores in our town to chat and make friends, he's recently started part time work, he gets around the city well using the buses. My neice was in college so she showed him around the bus routes and what to do.

He hates the cold - no matter what I put him in his feet get cold and have to be heated up after being outside for any length of time. but he still goes out and about. but he does go and shovel snow every time it snows.

He's only recently started working so before that he felt a little couped up - so I would come home from work and take him somewhere - anywhere - to get him out of the house, we'd drive around, go to the latin store and hang out, go to the mall - anything really.. just to get him out and show him where things are.

he does all the housework - and makes sure its done before friday so we have our weekends together. I try to pitch in and do stuff to help him on his class nights or when he's at work so he doesn't feel i'm taking advantage - but our time together -is strictly time together.

My husband's always been good with money so that's not an issue - in fact sometimes he's too cheap... he's purchased a set of clippers to cut his hair as in his mind hair cuts are way too much money here... he's pretty proud of this.
We had agreed on how much we would send home when he came - he has a daughter and I would never not provide her with anything while he's getting settled and we also look after his parents who are aging. I've never felt taken advantage of by his family - when a problem comes up they split the amount of money needed equally amongst his brothers and sisters - we aren't expected to put up any more than the rest. He doesn't like that right now its me earning the money - but he isn't macho about it - just feels like a burden. our bank accounts are joint - both of them - that way he is seeing the things we have to pay for. I wasn't sure what he would want but he asked for his account to be joint when he set it up.

he's learned to use a can opener - after me freaking out seeing him with a big knife in the can. I eventually had to leave the opener on the counter to encourage use.

he loves his slippers - and wool socks... and his fuzzy yankees blanket i got him - he even packed his blanket to go with us at christmas time to my parents.

he also loves the heated mattress pad I bought - a little bit before bed he'll ask - "my love did you turn the bed on" nothing worse than getting in a cold bed.

our house is kept quite warm - what i've saved on the phone i've spent on heating - haha!

we always told each other what was happening before when we were apart - I didn't stop anywhere after work without telling him so - so that part is no different...
we've had some trouble with how soon you make plans - my friends will ask on monday - do you want to come over saturday - when I ask him - he's like I don't know we'll see what saturday is like - he has trouble understanding canadians live for making plans and filing out their calendars early - I've just adopted his non-chalance - I say we're not sure we'll let you know later in the week ... that's just how we roll now... our compromise is deciding by thursday... but both of us being homebodies we don't do a lot...

i did have to adjust to him wanting to get out every day after being stuck at home - i like to go home after work and curl up with a book - but I had to remind myself he'd been there all day - so every day on my way home I get myself ready and walk through the door and say where are we going.. even just a small errand makes him feel like he was somewhere... now that he gets around on teh bus this isn't as big of a deal.

we rent our movies with spanish - and we watch half in spanish with english subtitles and half in english with spanish subtitiles - he thinks its awesome that i do this and it helps him. we go out to the movies now and then as our "date"

I wrote him a guide for the channels on teh dish - after he complained that he'd go to watch a movie and it would say he had to pay - he was confused - so I made him a cheat sheet...

as for food - well he cooks what he likes - so far we've gone through 12 kgs of rice since he got here. he likes my cooking too so we try to take turns - I'm grateful he's willing to cook as i don't know how to make most - though I'm learning. I had bought a dominican cookbook but have never used it - he informed me when I showed it to him that he would be my teacher and show me what he liked... good enough for me.
he loves beef from my parent's farm - can't really blame him - so he will often request i make burgers or steak.

I help him with english lessons, we play scrabble to practice writing. WE also played a lot of dominoes on the cold winter nights... which was funner than I had thought.. he was so happy when I suggested it one night when it was -40.

He's been good at learning how to manage the house - the central vac, the water softener - he's really good about having me explain it all.

its been great - I feel like before we were always in the DR and I relied on him completely to get what I needed -now its reversed... and its good to know that we can rely completely on one another.

most recently we went to the eye doctor -my husband's father has glaucoma so I was on a mission. he told the doctor I needed to go with him as his english wasn't that good -the doctor said she has to do her exam too - you speak fine - go get started and if you have trouble she'll be right here.. when I was done i went in and they were saying how great his english was - on the way home - he was so impressed that a doctor thought he spoke well - I said I tell you that all the time - his reply - "i thought you were just being nice because you're my wife"...

My husband's heading home for easter - a busy time for me at work - he has some things to attend to and there was a seat sale and he'll be in between classes for ESL - he's excited - i'm sad - two weeks is a long time for us now ... but I'm happy as I know he misses his daughter and can't wait to see her.

we're going to toronto in June to watch the yankees play - I can't wait for that - he's so excited about it!

married life is good - we always high five each other and say we're the best team when we figure something out together.

 

[twillis]

Hello all, I feel I've abandoned this site since my husband arrived, and feel bad because this site helped me through many tough days. My husband has been in Canada going on 6 months next week.

Question: Is there a return policy on this immigrating a spouse thing??!!?? LOL ... just kidding ... but somedays, I tell ya.

I've read some posts and my won't be nearly as romantic and sweet. Its been tough. Very tough. The differences between him and I became very apparent a few days after he arrived. Lots and lots of quarreling and distance between us. We have an age difference, race difference and cultural difference and they all have their hurdles to jump. Actually, at one point he moved out for 5 days, to a friend of mine's house, cuz it was just not getting better.

But ... things are better now. We are happy again, finally. It is a huge adjustment for the spouse immigrating, but it also a huge adjustment for the spouse in Canada. I guess I didn't expect that. I have lived alone for a while and found myself in protection mode. I felt I was losing my safety net, all I built, and I was scared, very scared. I guess I had huge trust issues at first.

My family and kids loved him right away. My youngest son who is 8, really enjoys him. They spend a lot of time together.

He started working right away, and now has a full-time job with benefits and pension and works weekends with a friend of ours. He is very quiet, which I knew, but he doesn't like to venture out much. With me and the kids, yes, but with friends, no. Opposite of me. He received a SN right away and a health card came in the mail quite quickly. He is taking English classes (free from the Open Door Society) 4 nights a week and loves it. He loves the summers here, worried for winter. We have made contact with one dominican couple here and a spanish speaking couple that we met through mutual friends. That's nice because it gives him a chance to speak in his own language and just relax.

One thing that was really trying for me was the way he depended on me for everything. The hurt if I wanted to spend time with my friends, or do things alone with my kids. Even getting groceries after work - he wanted to come. I get gas - he wanted to come. I guess for me it was difficult, having been alone, raising kids, and loving 'me' time and my friends.

Anyway, I just wanted to post and update. Its tough. I'm convinced it takes a full year to adjust - for both of you. When we argue, he says 'you were never like this in the Dominican' ... I answer 'no Felix, I was half-cut on margharitas and on holidays'.

 

[bachata]

Hello all, I feel I've abandoned this site since my husband arrived, and feel bad because this site helped me through many tough days. My husband has been in Canada going on 6 months next week.

Question: Is there a return policy on this immigrating a spouse thing??!!?? LOL ... just kidding ... but somedays, I tell ya.

I've read some posts and my won't be nearly as romantic and sweet. Its been tough. Very tough. The differences between him and I became very apparent a few days after he arrived. Lots and lots of quarreling and distance between us. We have an age difference, race difference and cultural difference and they all have their hurdles to jump. Actually, at one point he moved out for 5 days, to a friend of mine's house, cuz it was just not getting better.

But ... things are better now. We are happy again, finally. It is a huge adjustment for the spouse immigrating, but it also a huge adjustment for the spouse in Canada. I guess I didn't expect that. I have lived alone for a while and found myself in protection mode. I felt I was losing my safety net, all I built, and I was scared, very scared. I guess I had huge trust issues at first.

My family and kids loved him right away. My youngest son who is 8, really enjoys him. They spend a lot of time together.

He started working right away, and now has a full-time job with benefits and pension and works weekends with a friend of ours. He is very quiet, which I knew, but he doesn't like to venture out much. With me and the kids, yes, but with friends, no. Opposite of me. He received a SN right away and a health card came in the mail quite quickly. He is taking English classes (free from the Open Door Society) 4 nights a week and loves it. He loves the summers here, worried for winter. We have made contact with one dominican couple here and a spanish speaking couple that we met through mutual friends. That's nice because it gives him a chance to speak in his own language and just relax.

One thing that was really trying for me was the way he depended on me for everything. The hurt if I wanted to spend time with my friends, or do things alone with my kids. Even getting groceries after work - he wanted to come. I get gas - he wanted to come. I guess for me it was difficult, having been alone, raising kids, and loving 'me' time and my friends.

Anyway, I just wanted to post and update. Its tough. I'm convinced it takes a full year to adjust - for both of you. When we argue, he says 'you were never like this in the Dominican' ... I answer 'no Felix, I was half-cut on margharitas and on holidays'.

I think a year is not enough time, after a year he will be starting to walk by him self and in two years he will be able to communicate with others and few by few you'll see the progress same like a baby...
It's very hard to get use to this new world specially when you move in a place where you don't find people with your own customs and language...

After two years and a half I can jog!!!

JJ

 

[Bronxboy]

I've read some posts and my won't be nearly as romantic and sweet. Its been tough. Very tough. The differences between him and I became very apparent a few days after he arrived. Lots and lots of quarreling and distance between us.

What you did you expect?

 

[Chip]

One thing that was really trying for me was the way he depended on me for everything. The hurt if I wanted to spend time with my friends, or do things alone with my kids. Even getting groceries after work - he wanted to come. I get gas - he wanted to come. I guess for me it was difficult, having been alone, raising kids, and loving 'me' time and my friends.

I guess you suppose your husband is just a puppy - something to play with when you want to.

 

[Fiesta Mama]

One thing that was really trying for me was the way he depended on me for everything. The hurt if I wanted to spend time with my friends, or do things alone with my kids. Even getting groceries after work - he wanted to come. I get gas - he wanted to come. I guess for me it was difficult, having been alone, raising kids, and loving 'me' time and my friends.

Anyway, I just wanted to post and update. Its tough. I'm convinced it takes a full year to adjust - for both of you. When we argue, he says 'you were never like this in the Dominican' ... I answer 'no Felix, I was half-cut on margharitas and on holidays'.

I went through the same thing as you when my husband came to Canada with respect to having to adjust to having someone who relied on me for so much at first that I was overwhelmed with all that I had to do to take care of myself and of him too! All I can say is educate him on as much as you can to make him independent because the more independent someone can become in their adopted country, the happier they will be in the long run. I have seen so many women bring a Dominican to Canada and they don't want to show him anything so he will be dependent on them because they are fearful he will leave, etc. but in my opinion, that is a huge mistake.

Encourage him to take as many English classes as possible because the better his English skills are (reading and writing too), the more successful he will be in Canada. As for him wanting to "tag" along, I'm sure it's an adjustment after doing things alone for so long but try not to think of it as a bother because I'm sure he's just bored at home and wants to get out. Send him to do some of those errands on his own ... you'll be glad one day when you can say "can you run to the store to get me xyz" instead of always having to go yourself.

As for the year adjustment phase.... I can assure you it will take a lot longer than one year! My husband and I had our five year anniversary this year and there was never a time in the past five years where I felt like "okay, he knows everything he needs to, there won't be any more hurdles, etc.". It's a work in progress like any marriage. I mean some things definitely got better after one year, like him not being as homesick, but other things like money management were something we continued to work on month by month.

It sounds like things are going better now that the initial shock of it all is over but try and stay positive and continue to be understanding of each other because as much as you feel overwhelmed, remember that he is totally out of his element, missing his friends, family, culture, language, food, etc. and it's darn hard! All the best to you guys.

 

[twillis]

I guess you suppose your husband is just a puppy - something to play with when you want to.

Not at all, I just didn't expect him to be so reliant on me. I take him whereever I go, I just find it hard on me at times. He doesn't like to spend money, and its not so enjoyable for him with the language barrier.

He is very independent in DR and is learning to be independent here. I was just trying to express that your whole life is them, and thats something people don't expect. I miss my friends. I'm a social person. I haven't seen them in months.

Be nice Chip, just trying to express problems that arose for me so other take them into consideration.

 

[twillis]

I think a year is not enough time, after a year he will be starting to walk by him self and in two years he will be able to communicate with others and few by few you'll see the progress same like a baby...
It's very hard to get use to this new world specially when you move in a place where you don't find people with your own customs and language...

After two years and a half I can jog!!!

JJ

Thanks, its good to know. I'm famous for unrealistic expectations. He is getting better every day now.

 

[Bronxboy]

Thanks, its good to know. I'm famous for unrealistic expectations. He is getting better every day now.

Good luck!

 

[Chip]

Be nice Chip, just trying to express problems that arose for me so other take them into consideration.

You asking me to be nice then you marry this guy and want to keep him out of selected parts of your life. To me that's not too nice.

 

[twillis]

I went through the same thing as you when my husband came to Canada with respect to having to adjust to having someone who relied on me for so much at first that I was overwhelmed with all that I had to do to take care of myself and of him too! All I can say is educate him on as much as you can to make him independent because the more independent someone can become in their adopted country, the happier they will be in the long run. I have seen so many women bring a Dominican to Canada and they don't want to show him anything so he will be dependent on them because they are fearful he will leave, etc. but in my opinion, that is a huge mistake.

Encourage him to take as many English classes as possible because the better his English skills are (reading and writing too), the more successful he will be in Canada. As for him wanting to "tag" along, I'm sure it's an adjustment after doing things alone for so long but try not to think of it as a bother because I'm sure he's just bored at home and wants to get out. Send him to do some of those errands on his own ... you'll be glad one day when you can say "can you run to the store to get me xyz" instead of always having to go yourself.

As for the year adjustment phase.... I can assure you it will take a lot longer than one year! My husband and I had our five year anniversary this year and there was never a time in the past five years where I felt like "okay, he knows everything he needs to, there won't be any more hurdles, etc.". It's a work in progress like any marriage. I mean some things definitely got better after one year, like him not being as homesick, but other things like money management were something we continued to work on month by month.

It sounds like things are going better now that the initial shock of it all is over but try and stay positive and continue to be understanding of each other because as much as you feel overwhelmed, remember that he is totally out of his element, missing his friends, family, culture, language, food, etc. and it's darn hard! All the best to you guys.

Thanks so much! I guess I was wearing rose-colored glasses, and I know its difficult for him. He is getting out way more on his own, and we are doing more things with the kids. He doesn't seem to be homesick, which is good. He lived in Germany for 3 years so I think he had a taste of all this.

He will take the English classes as long as he needs. They are very good here with that.

I think we were both in a state of expectation - and then realization hit. I went there 10 times a year to spend time with him - but even that didn't help. I just think spouses in Canada really need to know its not a honeymoon when they come. Its hard work, and exactly, like all marriages - but more.

Thanks for your support. I appreciate it. We are getting better every day and I really think we'll make it. We both want it so bad.

 

[AnnaC]

Ok so I'm not a mod any more but try to remember what this thread was for. It's to help people understand the task of bringing someone to a new country and getting adjusted and all that is required to adjust. This isn't mars/venus and no one is asking for advice here.

 

[twillis]

You asking me to be nice then you marry this guy and want to keep him out of selected parts of your life. To me that's not too nice.

Its not that I want him out of parts of my life. I need 'me' time. I have full time career, kids, house ... sometimes I like just an hour having coffee with a friend.

I'm not a bar/club person, I just like visiting with friends over coffee.

I have introduced him to dominicans here, and another spanish couple, he meets people at work, and at school. Like others have said ... he will get more confident here and venture out more. I just have to support him.

I'm learning.

 

[Bronxboy]

I need 'me' time.

I understand what you mean but a word of advice.

I think this how infidelity starts on his part.

I might be wrong but you would not want to give him the wrong impression.

Just my 2 cents.

 

[twillis]

Noted You can delete all my posts except the original if you want to keep the thread clean.

 

[AlterEgo]

Getting Back on Track

Bringing anyone to a new country can be difficult. As an American, I think I can safely say that most of our ancestors were immigrants, and most of them weren't welcomed with open arms. Each ethnic group had their own walls to climb. The difference with the above posts is that we're mostly not talking about 2 Dominicans, 2 Germans, 2 Poles or 2 Italians moving to a new country. At least they had each other 'in the same boat', and they usually moved where a lot of other immigrants lived - ala Washington Heights.

We're talking about one Dominican moving to a new country to live with a Canadian, American, German, Brit, etc.

It's not easy for anyone. In my case, it just so happened that I lived in Jackson Heights [Queens] NY when I met my husband in 1975. We got married a year later and he moved there. He had several cousins who lived nearby, and the area was becoming more Latin, so that softened the culture shock. He spoke English well already, which was a big help, and he started working immediately with one of the cousins.

The first year was a year of adjustment for both of us, and it was bumpy sometimes. I had a lot of trouble understanding the 'I have to send my mother money' that is so Dominican. In my family the parents helped the kids, not the other way around. I made a lot of mistakes, that in hindsight were cultural. Both of us had to adapt, and thankfully we did. We're still together almost 34 years, 2 kids and 2 grandsons later.

It's important to get inside each others heads - walk a mile in their Dominican shoes. The city is strange and hard to get around in, the food is very different, people look at you suspiciously, maybe you can't understand everything that's being said, even the laws different are actually taken seriously! You miss your beaches, Presidentes, warm breezes, outdoor living and Mama's cooking.

My advice? Instead of expecting the Dominican to totally conform to their new environment, try to bring some of their culture into your life. DR1 is a great place to start, because it will help you understand your spouse. Read the forums, talk to them about the things you read, ask questions about threads that interest you, encourage them to talk about DR. When I joined DR1 a few years ago, it was a gold mine for me, and has brought us even closer together because now we don't only discuss what's happening in our world, we discuss what's happening in DR too.

If you've married a Dominican man, try to learn to cook some Dominican foods for him - if you don't already have a Dominican cookbook, get one!! My favorite is available right here in the DR1 store, "Aunt Clara's Dominican Cookbook", I promise it will be the best $26.50 you have ever spent.

It's important that they feel they're not the only one who is trying to adapt. Part of their adapting to your culture is your adapting to theirs. You'll both be better off in the end.

AE

 

[CFA123]

Bill, great to hear from you... you've been missed on DR1. Sounds like things are going well.

I suspect there are a number of people be happy to see you post again... I hope they find your post - you might want to copy it & start your own thread titled "Update from Texas Bill"

 

[Chip]

Bill

Best wished from Gurabo great to here things are going well.

 

[Texas Bill]

Bill, great to hear from you... you've been missed on DR1. Sounds like things are going well.

I suspect there are a number of people be happy to see you post again... I hope they find your post - you might want to copy it & start your own thread titled "Update from Texas Bill"

I'd do that, but don't know how.
Anyone have step by step for doing so??

Texas Bill

 

[AlterEgo]

Moved your post

I'd do that, but don't know how.
Anyone have step by step for doing so??

Texas Bill

Hi Bill, I moved it to its own thread.

AE