Chapter 441 (ISLA Academy: Reality Check)
I just got the biggest reality check of my life. It was like being bitch slapped across my face. I was like being burnt with cigarette butts across my eyelids. It was like being tortured and maimed. What I just went through must violate every Geneva Convention Law ever conceived against inhumane punishment and torture.
The worst part is this: I knew this day was coming. I knew it! But I thought it was ten or more years away. I thought I would be an old man when this day arrived. I really thought I was prepared for the shock and awe. I also thought I was man enough to handle it. Man, was I wrong.
Let me back up…
There was a parent-teacher conference today at ISLA Academy. As I was driving up to the school, I was in a good mood. I was really looking forward to it. I felt prepared. I had spent a lot of time choosing the right outfit for this meeting.
At first I wasn’t sure what to wear? If you know me, then you already know that I only own three pairs of shorts and four t-shirts. So, choosing the right thing to wear should be fairly easy.
I carefully choose the cleanest pair of shorts I own—a pair of black checkered surf shorts with holes running below the middle of the crotch (hard to detect with the naked eye). Despite the holiness, they’re clean. The holes are a result of continuous chaffing—back and forth—against my broken motorcycle seat.
Having settled on which shorts to wear, I focused my attention on which t-shirt to use. Unfortunately, because it’s the middle of the week, I only possess two clean t-shirts. Which one should I choose? I gave a lot of thought to it. I tried them both on to see which one I looked skinnier in. Neither were much help in hiding rolls of fat. Shame. I could really use a loose fitting shirt right now.
Because it was the very first parent-teacher conference of the year, and hence, the most important one, i needed to make a good impression. No, I needed to make a great impression. I held my t-shirts up closely to my nose, and carefully sniffing them underneath the armpits, gave it the sniff test.
I’m happy to report that they both met my high standards and passed the sniff test with flying colors. Man, was I relieved. In the end, I decided to go with the bright pink -t-shirt, because, as we all know, light colors hide fat better!
I also decided I better hold up my checkered black shorts up to my nose and smell them, because, you never know how many stray dogs are wondering loose around the property.
When I got to ISLA, I was 10-minutes late, and I was surprised to find that the conference had already begun without me. Luckily, Big Red was already there representing us.
I walked onto the porch, and started searching for any wine or donuts. One quick glance around the porch and I instantly felt comfortable; I saw coffee and what appeared to be chocolate chip cookies. Wine shouldn’t be too far away with this level of attention to details. I started searching around the porch for wine and donuts. I know myself, having donuts or wine around would instantly put me in a good mood. No, a great mood!
I can prepare myself for any level of horrendous bad news about my child if wine and donuts are being served. Donuts are profound. Wine more profound! Alcohol and sugar are grossly underrated. They have changed the direction of history and mankind for the better.
Your child can be a serial killer, but if wine and donuts are being served, life is good and the serial killing doesn't seem so bad at the end of day. Wine and donuts are the most effective anti-depression medication known to man. And they have the full weight of science behind them. They’re magic, and we all know that magic and voodoo are warranted at any teacher-parent conference being held in the Caribbean.
As I was searching for wine, I heard my name being called out with a Russian accent. ‘****!” I thought, “I’m busted!” Big Red has spotted me. Women are amazing. Woman have a nose for mischief. They’re better than a lie detectors test.
Big Red called me into a side room at ISLA Academy. Sitting there before her was the Spanish-Finnish-Lebanese-French Inquisition…all three beautiful, good looking, charming, funny, and intelligent people...(I drink cappuccinos BTW)! They took one look at me, and did not appear happy. Ok, I was 10-minutes late. I was fixing my hair and trying to cover up my bald spot, because, you never know what Hot teacher you are going to run into a teacher-parent conference. And we all know how horny teachers can be, right?
As I approached the room, I was about to get my first really big reality check…the biggest one of my life. It’s the one reality check I have been preparing for since I turned 50. It’s the one I was dreading and fretting over in the mornings. I knew this day was coming. But I kept on pushing it back into the recess of mind.
As I was approaching the room, Big Red and the international inquisition stopped talking and watched me approach. One of the inquisition members looked at Big Red and asked, “Is this your father?”
“Your father!? What the ****!?”
I almost had a heart attack. I almost had a coronary!
Ok, I know there is an age gap between me and Big Red, but for the love of god, do I really look like her “father!?” is this even possible? Well, apparently so, because, it seemed to be the general consensus of the entire room that I looked like Big Red’s father.
What is the world coming to?
Ok, let me back up again…
Before I left the house, I went into the bathroom and combed my 10-strands of grey hair over my bald spot. I sucked in my gut, and held out my chest. In my eyes—and this is no exaggeration—I looked no more than 23 or 24yrs old. 28yrs tops in really bad lighting!
Ok, maybe…and I say this hesitantly…maybe if is stood sideways, and my gut was released, I might pass as 31 or 32yrs old…but there is no way, I look like Big Red’s father. No way in hell!!
This wasn't just shocking to hear, it was depressing!
Ok, now it was time to go into defense mode and start lying to myself. And no one is a better liar then me when it comes to reality checks.
I started rationalizing things in my head…maybe there is really bad lighting in the room? Maybe these people wear glasses? Maybe they have Glaucoma? Maybe they have taken some kind of hallucinatory drug…maybe really strong hallucinatory drugs? Maybe they have some extra drugs?
I sure could use some right now!
