Married Men .... and Dating .....

[amy2761]

Disclaimer - After a bottle of red wine this seems like a good topic to explore .....

I've read many threads over the last few years concerning married men who were/are or involved with dating and/or sleeping with someone other than their spouses, specifically Dominicans who 'roam'. Now what about the other 'half'? No, not the spouse, but the other partner in the infidelity? :bandit: :lick:


The debate:
How do Dominican women feel regarding infidelity in comparison to "Western" women? Is cheating (for women or men) acceptable in Dominican culture because it’s a common occurrence? Or when is it a common occurrence? Low or middle or high class cheating..... Is there a difference?

Stay well,
Amy

 

[MrMike]

Like many things in Dominican culture it's fine as long as nobody finds out.

Most Dominicans are well aware that almost all men cheat, but the women will swear to you that their man is faithfull, possibly even if they know it's not true. In some ways it proves their verility, but when the affair becomes public knowlege it is usually accompannied by extreme drama and often violence.

Personally I think that Dominicans are more likely than most to kill a cheating spouse, and I have personally lost friends to jealous murderous rampages.

 

[buseouno]

A married man's perspective

Many of the Western women who spend time with married men prefer to be with married men rather than single men, sometimes it's a high like forbidden fruit, but most often I think it's because they don't have to worry about commitment, and usually receive more gifts etc. than from a single boy friend.

On the other hand, I believe most single women in the Western culture prefer single men.

Here in the DR, it's a very different story, well, at least from a Gringo's point of view.

I'm approached regularly by ladies in stores, supermarkets, etc. No, not regular hookers, but girls who work there. When I say I'm married, their automatic response is that does'nt matter. Now, I know these girls are just trying to find a way up in life, and what better way than to try and snag a Gringo.

Having only lived here for a couple of years, and not really worked as yet, I don't have a lot of experience with meeting ladies in the higher income brackets on a social level, but the ones I have met don't strike me as the type who would go with a married man. Well, not with a Gringo anyway, but may very well go with a well to do married Dominicano, Yo no se.

That question is one that can only be answered by a local.

 

[MrMike]

Having only lived here for a couple of years, and not really worked as yet, I don't have a lot of experience with meeting ladies in the higher income brackets on a social level, but the ones I have met don't strike me as the type who would go with a married man. Well, not with a Gringo anyway, but may very well go with a well to do married Dominicano, Yo no se.

That question is one that can only be answered by a local.

Dominican women "in the higer income bracket" will do anything the lower ones will, but they will be both more selective, and extremely discreet. Often this is how they got to the higher income bracket in the first place, or how their ancestors did.

Most of the time however Gringos need not apply. First of all we don't know how to play these games at this level, (though Italians and Spaniards seem to take to it naturally) second there is a great deal of old-world culture and particularly class-conciousness in the higher levels of Dominican society, and for many of them Americans by default just don't rate. At least not expats or tourists.

 

[Larry]

Dominican women "in the higer income bracket" will do anything the lower ones will, but they will be both more selective, and extremely discreet. Often this is how they got to the higher income bracket in the first place, or how their ancestors did.

Most of the time however Gringos need not apply. First of all we don't know how to play these games at this level, (though Italians and Spaniards seem to take to it naturally) second there is a great deal of old-world culture and particularly class-conciousness in the higher levels of Dominican society, and for many of them Americans by default just don't rate. At least not expats or tourists.

This is something that most people do not understand. People refer to "Dominicans" like everyone in this country is the same. This is an extremely classist country. You can never make a camparison between your average Dominican and upper class Dominicans. There is no comparison. It is as if they are on 2 different planets. This is something I never really saw before I came to SD and it is why people who have been exposed to this say how Dominicans from different parts of the country are different. People who scoff at this just have no clue. BTW, I am not simply taking about money here. Money does not PLACE you.

Larry

 

[Musicqueen]

I am friends with a Dominican lawyer here in Miami, he comes from a very wealthy family in DR, with ties to the old government...

He has told me on many ocassions how his grandfather used to have 'lady friends' and how his grandma knew about it, but pretended like she didn't...and they were married for a really long time...

His father did the same to his mother...and he says that he sees nothing wrong with it...No point in arguing with him, that's what he's seen all his life...

(After these 'confessions' I decided we would just leave the relationship as just a good friendship...)

I also know this woman (here in Miami) that comes from a very close knit family, educated, classy lady, who has told me how when she lived in DR, she had a 'boyfriend'...an older Dominican gentleman, married and with kids (her own kid's age) whom she 'dated' for over 15 years...

He would pick her up, take her to work, and then bring her back home...He would have dinner with them, spend Saturday and Sunday at their house, (no sleep overs) and around 6:00 each night go back to his house...

This lady thinks she did nothing wrong...and maybe she didn't...in her mind...she never asked him to leave his wife or asked him for anything...

But I put myself in the other woman's place and think: Did the wife ever suspect anything? Did she know and play dumb?

I don't think I could ever put up with that...women know when something is just not right...

How can they live like that???

MQ

 

[MrMike]

I am friends with a Dominican lawyer here in Miami, he comes from a very wealthy family in DR, with ties to the old government...

He has told me on many ocassions how his grandfather used to have 'lady friends' and how his grandma knew about it, but pretended like she didn't...and they were married for a really long time...

His father did the same to his mother...and he says that he sees nothing wrong with it...No point in arguing with him, that's what he's seen all his life...

(After these 'confessions' I decided we would just leave the relationship as just a good friendship...)

I also know this woman (here in Miami) that comes from a very close knit family, educated, classy lady, who has told me how when she lived in DR, she had a 'boyfriend'...an older Dominican gentleman, married and with kids (her own kid's age) whom she 'dated' for over 15 years...

He would pick her up, take her to work, and then bring her back home...He would have dinner with them, spend Saturday and Sunday at their house, (no sleep overs) and around 6:00 each night go back to his house...

This lady thinks she did nothing wrong...and maybe she didn't...in her mind...she never asked him to leave his wife or asked him for anything...

But I put myself in the other woman's place and think: Did the wife ever suspect anything? Did she know and play dumb?

I don't think I could ever put up with that...women know when something is just not right...

How can they live like that???

MQ

It goes back to the old days of feudal society in Europe where the "well bred" considered it their responsibility to contribute their superior genes to the gene pool by fathering as many children as possible, especially with peasants.

Dominican women from the lower classes are happy to comply with this practice and you can even overhear them discussing it in terms that leave no doubt this is exactly their intention. Aside from the obvious potential financial benefits of being maintained by a wealthier man they also believe they are bettering their race by mixing it with stock frm the privileged classes.

As for the wives tolerating it, I think it has alot to do with tradition and avoiding the scandals associated with divorce, and probably not least of all division of goods when they are considerable. Also in the powerful families there are significant political considerations, all things considered it is most likely better for everyone to stay in a loveless mariage, people on this level rarely marry purely out of love anyway, it is a prectical and political matter to begin with so discreet infidelity is not a big issue.

 

[Simbul]

Monogamy's Myth

Hi yall,

This is an informative link to a pyschologist who wrote The Myth of Monogamy.

http://www.trinity.edu/rnadeau/FYS/Barash on monogamy.htm

Some time ago, I perused this book at Barnes and Nobles when I was looking for another reference. The authors had written a viewpoint I've longed held. Monogamy in many cultures is simply a myth reinforced by laws, religion, and social culture. That is especially so today.

There have been marriages that have survived decades, and through many studies infidelity has occurred more often than not. Many of those infidelities were not discovered or simply overlooked. It seemed the continuance of the marriage was foremost than the husband having affairs on the side. Now that is not to say the same lee way was always given to women, but culture plays a major part of it.

I may be blasted for this, but I think a marriage's survival is sometimes far more important than the husband or wife (have to be fair, I guess ) sometimes rolling in the hay with someone else. Do you honestly think that person isn't going to be tempted after 10, 15, 20, 25, 30+ years of just tasting something different????

 

[AZB]

Mr.Mike has explained it exactly as it is in DR. Larry is also on the same wavelength.
Now speaking on infedility, I have yet to meet a dominican or a gringo (in DR) being 100% faithfull to his wife. Well, come to think of it, maybe I do know 2 foreigners who seem to be faithfull (one is american and another one is from northern europe), they seem religious. This only means I have not caught them yet, but santiago is small and I have all the time in the world to wait around. It seems like all men cheat if they are given the right circumstances and if the risks are not so pricey.

 

[amy2761]

There's no denying it, we're not birds

This made me laugh, taken from the link that Simbul posted ..... "Infants have their infancy. And adults? Adultery."

Stay well,
Amy

 

[planner]

An obervation

As a single female dating here, I see the cheating all the time. I personally don't want to be the mistress.

My observations have been that the wife being cheated on usually knows what is going on. She will tolerate it as long as her needs are being met! She usuallly will not tolerate it being blatant, her ego has needs. She will usually tolerate it if her financial needs are being met, but if this changes or he spends more on the girlfriend then all hell can break loose.

I'd never want to be the mistress - I'm afraid of the wives!

 

[Dragonfly32837]

Of course. Dominican men feel that if their wife at home is being taken care of the way that she is supposed to that he can go out and cheat. Just as long as he does not leave his wife for the mistress.

 

[amy2761]

It seems it is fairly common for married men to cheat - we're all agreed on that one.

An observation: Dominican men do seem to 'parade' their girlfriends around their male friends or in 'safe' groups when the wife is not around ..... guys, is this a competition?!

Stay well,
Amy

 

[Dragonfly32837]

I have never seen men parade their girlfriends around their male friends or so called safe group. I don't know if maybe we just hang out with different types of people.

 

[AZB]

Most respectable dominican men who are well known in their town are not going to parade around with a new flavor of the week. They usually take the girlfriend for a quick trip to a motel or visit her apartment. They usually go out of town if they want to spend a weekend together. there are plenty of secret hidden bars and restaurants in major cities where you can hide easily from everyone.
Now the chopo rich dominicans will parade around a young girlfriend all over town because her campo wife is never seen in public with him, accept grocery stores. I know a few guys for years and I have never met their wives, only the girlfriends. these guys don't care, if their wives find out, they will threaten to leave her. This shuts her up quickly.
AZB

 

[laurapasinifan]

I wont try to get in the married men cheat debate, its just too dynamic a subject to logically debate. But since the relationship of gringos and higher class dominican women intermingling was. I would address that. Becasue there has been such a proliferation of americans men that have come here to meet as many women as possible on their stay, it is a common belief that if a dominican woman is seen with a gringo , she most likely is of dubious character by default. I see this , and am conscious of it because I worry my gf gets that label. I see that some of the higher class women dont like to be seen in enviroments that are common with the women who seek out gringos. IE discos, bars, and similar places. Before i met my gf, I met some higher class women,( had money,) and even if they didnt speak their concern, thier body language and manner, and responses suggested they were uncomfortable in certain places with me.

I saw the transition in my gf as well. She may have been attracted to me for a variety of reasons early on, I cant say for sure. there wasnt much concern then( or I didnt notice it) then after we began dating seriously it cropped up some. the uncomfortable situations of being seen with an american. Now after 6 months she is back to not being bothered with it. I think because she doesnt care what others think now.

as far as infidelity, is there anyone that can say for sure the way it is all the time?...i doubt it. Many times it happens, because the main relationship is going south...not quite there yet, but the wandering starts, and the guilt is lessened. So it is cheating in reality, but not the long term type....

I am sure it is a way of life developed where you are raised and how, and by whom, and what you see growing up around you. I dont see how you can look yourself in the mirror every day, knowing you are lying each day. Lying to yourslef and to you spouse-gf, whatever. You are lying to your family and friends as well. But thats just the view from where I was raised. if you feel the need to cheat, be a man and part the relationship....yeah it may hurt and you may be out of poontang for a while. But its the right thing to do


bob

 

[AZB]

I am sure it is a way of life developed where you are raised and how, and by whom, and what you see growing up around you. I dont see how you can look yourself in the mirror every day, knowing you are lying each day. Lying to yourslef and to you spouse-gf, whatever. You are lying to your family and friends as well. But thats just the view from where I was raised. if you feel the need to cheat, be a man and part the relationship....yeah it may hurt and you may be out of poontang for a while. But its the right thing to do
bob

This is very touching my friend, I have a big fat drop of tear coming from my left eye.
We are talking about DR, not north carolina.
The man only has to lie to his wife, or better yet, not tell her a thing (are you still lying?). I don't know what types of friends you guys hang with who can't keep your secret but usually the guys share all details with their friends if they are sleeping around with girls who are not worth leaving your family for. The cheating part is simply sports sex and nothing else. The man has fun with the younger girl and then he simply goes back to being the loving husband and loving daddy. No one gets hurt if they don't know whats going on outside your front door.
Usually the kids (boys) know about daddy's adventures and often times the dad/son team works in cooperation. I have seen many sons and dads going out and scoring with the local girls together. This is the latin culture so do what romans do. Now if you think like BOB who has been brainwashed by the women liberation rejected dykes then might as well move to kansas. no one thinks the way he has put it in words in latin america. Sure it sounds good on paper but even dominican women don't respect a man who is carrying his wife's purse around while she goes shopping.
Viva republica.,
AZB

 

[laurapasinifan]

". no one thinks the way he has put it in words in latin america"

thats the only thing that makes your point.

You put it in the context of YOUR life. I did say that it certainly could be different in the DR because of up bringing. I guess civilized society would frown upon your dissreguard for marriage. Ban to me to Kansas thats fine........I know i am this different creature than your used to huh?

that dont bother me. I dont care about being cool, I dont care about sprouting my machoism...it will show when its NEEDED believe me. I speak my mind, if it makes me look like a sissy, a murderer, a jerk...i dont care......i am comfortable being it, i am comfortable saying it. I listen to Andrea Bocelli, and Josh Groban, and Metalica... and i get looks and i dont care.

Just like I dont think you have drive a woman into the ground to prove your a man

bob

 

[amy2761]

AZB - blunt as always, you got your point accross, it's not a serious thing here as long as the wife doesn't know. :ermm:

To recap, taken from OP:
"How do Dominican women feel regarding infidelity in comparison to "Western" women?"

Is it fair to say that Dominican women are more tolerant when it comes to cheating? Seems like most of them know what's going on but as long as they're 'taken care of' then they let it slide. Most western women on the other hand are horrified at the thought and go balistic at the possibility that their man is cheating.

To recap, taken from OP:
"Is cheating (for women or men) acceptable in Dominican culture because it?s a common occurrence?"

From what I gather it looks as if it's expected from men, but the women that cheat are still 'under cover' and not spoken about/acknowledged as readily as the males? Or maybe that's my impression because I don't socialize with many women ...

More comments/observations?
Thanks for all the input.

Stay well,
Amy

 

[Criss Colon]

"POOR BOB!" You Are In For Some "Heartbreak" Here In The DR!!!

The "Lower Class" Thats about 90 Plus % of who we associate with here in the DR,because 90% of the population falls into this class! If you are a "Tourista" that is about 100% of the people you will associate with,simply because all the people in the "Service/"Hospitality" business are "Poor"!And 99% of the "Hookers",altho there are a few from "Good" families who "sell it", for thrills I guess!
Men don't "Cheat" because the "Steam" has gone out of a relationship,we cheat because "We Can"! We are biologically programmed to cheat! It,s "good" for the species! Mixes up the gene pool!Society and religion try to legislate,and pontificate to the contrary,but men want all the different "PU$$Y" they can get!! Add to that men who need multiple partners to re-assure their "Manhood"and we have "MOST MEN" cheating! And women not far behind,for the same reasons.
Dominican families will put on a Big Show,for each and every "Gringo" boyfriend the daughter,or son,brings home.They reap some of the "spoils" of these relationships.How many times have all of us called the house,only to have the mother,father,sister,brother,say that our "True Love" is at the "Colmado"? Why is a "Celular" the first
gift they all ask for?? You figure it bout!! CCCCCCCCCCCCCCC