Raising Dominican Boy

[GringoRubio]

I think I'm figuring this out and it's a completely different answer than I expected. I'm being pushed into being the father when I'm not into it and don't want it. Child care, food prep, baby sitting, etc. I respect and encourage the mother/child relationship, but my boundaries are being crossed and I don't like it.

Unfortunately, my annoyance/anger has been not well placed as the kid is innocent after all, and my issue is with the adults. Kid still lacks parenting, but that is a different issue (and at the moment, not a primary problem).

Jeez, I can be really slow at times.

 

[sanpedrogringo]

I think I'm figuring this out and it's a completely different answer than I expected. I'm being pushed into being the father when I'm not into it and don't want it. Child care, food prep, baby sitting, etc. I respect and encourage the mother/child relationship, but my boundaries are being crossed and I don't like it.

Unfortunately, my annoyance/anger has been not well placed as the kid is innocent after all, and my issue is with the adults. Kid still lacks parenting, but that is a different issue (and at the moment, not a primary problem).

Jeez, I can be really slow at times.

This is where we are a different. You just stated you are "not into it and don't want it" in regards to be being the father figure. Unfortunately for you, your girlfriend has a child, so this is going to be the hot potato on the table. Like it or not, you will be viewed as the father figure because you are the male in the mother's life. If truly not interested, you'd be doing a service to not only yourself, but all involved, if you moved on in another direction. Honesty is the best policy, not only to others, but for yourself as well.

 

[sanpedrogringo]

I have four boys currently living with me, ages 5 to 18. Getting them to clean up after themselves is an ongoing battle. But if I ask them to help me cook, or do laundry, they jump up to help me. We have been working on establishing responsibilities for each of them, and they are holding each other accountable. It is getting their parents and aunts on the same page that seems to be difficult. When they are around all of the rules seem to go out the window. Just keep being consistent with him, even if those around you seem to be enabling his behavior. Rewarding him with praise or a special activity that he likes from time to time will go a long way. Just don't let your frustration with the other adults in his life show (as hard as that may be) and continue to hold him accountable. Remember, he is still a child, and he is behaving this way because the other adults in his life are enabling him.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G930A using Tapatalk

100% correct. Thank you.

 

[Lobo Tropical]

I think I'm figuring this out and it's a completely different answer than I expected. I'm being pushed into being the father when I'm not into it and don't want it. Child care, food prep, baby sitting, etc. I respect and encourage the mother/child relationship, but my boundaries are being crossed and I don't like it.

Unfortunately, my annoyance/anger has been not well placed as the kid is innocent after all, and my issue is with the adults. Kid still lacks parenting, but that is a different issue (and at the moment, not a primary problem).

Jeez, I can be really slow at times.

The boy is not getting any guidance from the Dominican mother and relatives around him.
He has not been taught discipline or manners, as they haven't either.
School attendance should be continuous.
You will be outvoted and undermined by the mother and relatives at every turn.
They lack the intelligence and love to build a future for the child.
It will be very hard to catch up or turn this situation around at age 10, without the desire to build a future for the child by the mother.

Normally in my travels around the world I have seen poor and uneducated parents realizing their situation.
Their biggest wish is that their children will have a better life through education and they also teach morals to their kids.
In the DR I know illiterate people who take their children out of school don't push for their education and who have no dreams for a better future. The girls are handed to some men to pay for their lives, the boys turn into delinquents.

Gringo you stated that you like living with the poor.
This is the life of the barrios.
The richer Dominicans do better for their children.
A house with ocean view may no be all bad.
Poverty is definitely underrated.

 

[sanpedrogringo]

@Josh2203 (and any others that may be wondering):
I am in the role of stepfather to this child (the 6 year old). His mother and I have one child together, a 2 year old. My 2 year old is developing very quickly, and without problems, but that can also be traced to the fact that nobody interferes with me on how I want my son to be raised. I replied to this posting to reassure GringoRubio that he was not alone with his situation. Although not identical, there may be some similarities laying beneath. Again with me, my conflicts are with the adults more so than the child. Specifically, the Grandmother and Aunt.
As in many households here in the Dominican Republic, the grandmother takes on a very special role. Often times out of necessity, the grandmother babysits/watches/attends to her grandchildren while the parents or single mother work. In most cases, this is a win/win situation for all involved, as a special bond with family develops (as I believe should be), containing mutual love and respect, and allows the parents the opportunity to work, pursue further education, or yes, the freedom to go out to dinner from time to time knowing that your children are being well attended to by a family member rather than strangers. I had a very special bond with my grandmother as a child, and I'm sure my parents appreciated the help she provided when I was a rugrat. Again this is not the USA, this is the Dominican Republic. Unfortunately, this is not my situation here.
The Grandmother in this situation is a certifiable nut job who does not take her prescribed medication. Now, most people would loosely throw statements as such around, but not me. As I was once reminded by a friend of mine, I'm also not the first male on earth who has conflicts with his mother in law. But, the woman does have prescriptions for psych medications and does not take her meds. Her time around the 6 year old, while he was entrusted in her care, led to his stunted development. This occurred way before I entered the picture. To this day, although he is 6, she treats him as if he's an infant. Not a little boy, but an infant. She also insists that he spend weekends with her, and the boy's mother always defers to her. This leads to his stunted development/behavioral problems, as well as tremendous friction between the mother of my child and myself. Further, lines have been drawn in the sand. I will not allow this woman to be in the presence of my son unsupervised. Period. Nobody interferes with my wishes/desires/plans on how to raise my son, but when it comes to the older boy.....let's just say, how many times can you run into the same wall? There's a breakdown in communication between the mother of my son and myself when it comes to her mother. She does not want to hear, nor acknowledge anything negative regarding this woman, even if it is the truth. She takes every comment or position defensively as if somebody is attacking her mother for not being stable. Of course, nobody wants to hear anything negative about their mother....but.......
As to the question as to why would I stay in a situation like this? Well remember, I have MY 2 year old who is my responsibility and I have to look out for his well being also. I hope this answers a few questions, but it will probably open up the floodgates for many more.

 

[bob saunders]

I think your only answer is to move away and take the boy with you.

 

[monfongo]

If your wife isn't behind you 100% then you are in a losing situation , I've been there and done that ,your never going to have any real control over him because she won't let you, save yourself a lot a aggravation and move on. my wife is in the U.S. now and her son has gotten worse , he's sixteen now and does whatever he wants, I would bet anything he will end up in jail for drugs,I told her one day that she was scared of him and she said yes ,but you know that is the monster she created.

 

[GringoRubio]

The boy is not getting any guidance from the Dominican mother and relatives around him.
He has not been taught discipline or manners, as they haven't either.
School attendance should be continuous.
You will be outvoted and undermined by the mother and relatives at every turn.
They lack the intelligence and love to build a future for the child.
It will be very hard to catch up or turn this situation around at age 10, without the desire to build a future for the child by the mother.

Normally in my travels around the world I have seen poor and uneducated parents realizing their situation.
Their biggest wish is that their children will have a better life through education and they also teach morals to their kids.
In the DR I know illiterate people who take their children out of school don't push for their education and who have no dreams for a better future. The girls are handed to some men to pay for their lives, the boys turn into delinquents.

Gringo you stated that you like living with the poor.
This is the life of the barrios.
The richer Dominicans do better for their children.
A house with ocean view may no be all bad.
Poverty is definitely underrated.

I'd prefer to be like a grand parent. I love the kids, but also happy to see their parent's pack them up and take them home.

 

[josh2203]

To this day, although he is 6, she treats him as if he's an infant. Not a little boy, but an infant. She also insists that he spend weekends with her, and the boy's mother always defers to her. This leads to his stunted development/behavioral problems, as well as tremendous friction between the mother of my child and myself. Further, lines have been drawn in the sand. I will not allow this woman to be in the presence of my son unsupervised. Period. Nobody interferes with my wishes/desires/plans on how to raise my son, but when it comes to the older boy.....let's just say, how many times can you run into the same wall? There's a breakdown in communication between the mother of my son and myself when it comes to her mother. She does not want to hear, nor acknowledge anything negative regarding this woman, even if it is the truth. She takes every comment or position defensively as if somebody is attacking her mother for not being stable. Of course, nobody wants to hear anything negative about their mother....but.......
As to the question as to why would I stay in a situation like this? Well remember, I have MY 2 year old who is my responsibility and I have to look out for his well being also. I hope this answers a few questions, but it will probably open up the floodgates for many more.

Thanks for clarifying.

Unfortunately I've witnessed a similar case, I know how some parents (in this case, the grandmother) have the status of ultimate authority, and are they are allowed to do anything, as they are believed to be always right (even if they would know nothing about nothing). Unfortunately, as said, I've seen a similar case, and also seen what can come out of it. Nothing pretty... When the damage is done (you still have to wait for a few years), and it's clearly visible, in the worst case, the same child, is now "malcriado" and the child himself is blamed for everything. The parents and grandparents have of course done everything perfect.

In my country, you have to respect your parents, but they also respect you. In the DR, I have seen, that's not always the case.

I think you are doing a good job with your own child, if I were you, I would perhaps not even let this grandmother see the child at all (yours).

 

[keepcoming]

Dup post..seems a computer glitch

 

[keepcoming]

Interesting thread...I have a nephew who is almost 6yrs old. I hate to say this but he is truly one of the main reasons I make excuses not to go to my in-laws. 2 advil before I get there, 2 while there and 2 on the way home sort of thing. The child screams orders out, dame leche, dame comida, dame dulce, etc...at the top of his lungs while running full speed in circles. At the dining table he takes a bit of food and if he does not like it he throws it on the floor. And yes still has a bottle of milk at night and last time I checked he still had his pacifier. He is spoiled rotten and that is most of the problem. He is the youngest in the family (my nieces son, she had him at 16...) and his mother lives in Boston. He runs the house. And no matter what you tell him the reply is always "que no" at ear splitting decibels. None of the other kids, boy or girl ever acted like that. The problem is definitely a lack of discipline and the fact that my MIL (who mainly watches him) is just worn out and cant keep up with him.

 

[Meemselle]

I raised 3 Dominican boys from the ages of 7,9 and 10. They are all now in their 20s and I was and still am married to their father. I now have a part time foster son who I have had for the past 5 years and who spends some weekends and school holidays with us, and a full time nephew aged 10 who now lives with us - abandoned by mother shortly after birth and father had a stroke and can't care for him.

The first thing I should say is the behaviour you describe is pretty universal to some degree or another and the second it that not all of them are the same.

Eldest step son was moody, but would help when asked to, and could be trusted implicitly - would never take anything which did not belong to him. He did and still does the hand swinging thing though - drives me nuts.
Second eldest step son was very sweet and charming and still is. Amazingly helpful, I taught him to cook and he cooked all of the meals from age 15 ish. However, was very light fingered and stuff kept disappearing - not little stuff - computers and cameras and jewelry is on the disappearing list.
Third step son I thought might have mental problems - wouldnt help at all and hardly spoke. Ended up going to join his mother in Spain.
Foster child is the sweetest child you can imagine. Honest as the day he was born, amazingly helpful, nothing too much trouble and bright as a button. He is being raised by his grandparents.
The latest addition - the nephew is everything you describe. Rude, answers back, eats all day long, has zero memory recall of things you say not to do, swings arms constantly. However, he has his jobs to do - wash dishes in the evening, do his own clothes washing, clean the house and he does them.
My Dominican husband says the only way to teach children is to smack them when they do wrong - I didn't let him do that with his kids and I don't with the nephew - but sometimes I have been close to doing it.
So I have probably been zero help - ask me in a year and will let you know if we have seen any improvement in nephew. All I can say is I feel your pain. I just can't help thinking of the Jesuits "Give me a child till he is 7 and I will show you the man". If that is true there is no hope.

Matilda

First of all, every child is different, says the mother of one. But I grew up in a family of 6. But yea: 5 girls and 1 boy in Massachusetts by a twice widowed mother in the 50s-60s. So not the same at all.

But this story breaks my heart. Because it's all about boundaries. And 10 is a little late. Not irrevocable.

I want Dominican boys to grow up with strong role models, mothers and fathers, who insist that they honor their fathers and mothers (there's a commandment among 10 for that), but more than that, that they respect their mothers and women. That they have fathers or male equivalents that they can emulate.

I can't help being a Boston blue-stocking, hard-core feminist: when you educate a woman, you educate a family.

 

[sanpedrogringo]

I think your only answer is to move away and take the boy with you.

Yes, this is one of the options on the table.

 

[Meemselle]

Boundaries

One of the bravest things I did when I was managing the hotel was to teach my Dominican manager's granddaughter to say "por favor" and "gracias." Prior to that (she was 4), every time she wanted anything, she would stamp her foot and yell at her abuela and abuelo. Sra. Meems brought her back some coloring books and markers and pencils from NY and when she found out that they were going to stay at the hotel and only be used when she had to be there bc her abuela was working and childcare fell through so she had to come to the hotel with Juan, she tried that with Sra. Meems.

Let's just say it was a total fail.

And after that, Chantal always knew that at least with Sra. Meems, las palabras m?gicas were "por favor" y "gracias." Otherwise, she got jack sh*t.

Kids may rail at boundaries. But you know what? They love them. They expect them. They're KIDS for G*d's sake and they depend on the grown-ups (such as we are) to explain the world to them. And WTF do we know about it? But we know that "please" and "thank you" and not stamping your feet goes a long way. For adults as well as children.

 

[sanpedrogringo]

If your wife isn't behind you 100% then you are in a losing situation , I've been there and done that ,your never going to have any real control over him because she won't let you, save yourself a lot a aggravation and move on. my wife is in the U.S. now and her son has gotten worse , he's sixteen now and does whatever he wants, I would bet anything he will end up in jail for drugs,I told her one day that she was scared of him and she said yes ,but you know that is the monster she created.

I agree.

 

[Meemselle]

nothing more needs to be said. the kid sounds like a mutant, because his dad sounds like one.*

Please be more kind. I don't believe anyone, no matter how much of an a**hat he or she is, gets up in the morning and says, "Let me see how bad a parent I can be today." Some of us just don't have the equipment or the experience.

 

[keepcoming]

There have been times when I wanted to say "let him stay the weekend with me" but then I ran through all the possible scenarios his visit would bring and stopped myself. I am a full believer in boundaries. My son knew the "boundaries" during his childhood and to this day please and thank you are second nature to him. Funny, my MIL called the other day and asked me to visit to see some of the Christmas decorations my SIL brought back from Spain. She told me that little Derick wont be there so we can all relax and enjoy the visit. I will bring the advil just in case little Derick shows up....

 

[Matilda]

I had no children of my own, and when I met my Dominican husband he had three who he was bringing up alone. The first two he had alone since the youngest was 3 weeks old (Dominican culture when a couple split up usually the man takes the boys and the woman the girls). He took another 'wife' thinking she would be a mother to his kids and had another child with her. She beat his children to the extent of breaking bones and then ran off to Spain with a Spaniard leaving her kid behind - although some 4 years later she came back to get him. When I met him he said he had kids but if I didn't want them, or if I would beat them he would send them to live with his sister. I said not to be stupid and we would give it a go. Firstly, their respect for me and their father was amazing. No answering back, always doing what they were asked to do and very helpful. I cannot explain the joy for someone who was childless, sitting in bed with them reading a story at bedtime which no one had ever done before. No one had cuddled them, praised them and they were like sponges wanting to learn. Did they drive me mad, yes totally did my head in with the lack of tidying up, the disappearance of everything in the fridge, the giving away of my clothes to poor Haitians, but I would not have changed it for the world. The secret is in trying to find what it is they want and they need and understand what works in UK and US doesn't necessarily work here. They love to help, love to be involved in sports so baseball, basketball, karate are all great. They love studying but only when you are involved - have little self motivation to do it alone. Is it a challenge, yes and extremely frustrating at time, but little by little they will become the people they deserve to be. You can only do your best.

Matilda

 

[sanpedrogringo]

(Dominican culture when a couple split up usually the man takes the boys and the woman the girls).
Matilda, I respectfully disagree. I have seen most women stuck with the children, and left to fend for themselves by deadbeat daddies, and in some cases, real men who stand up and take the children if the mother is not deserving (abuse, drugs, promiscuous, etc.). But I wouldn't say it's due to Dominican culture that the family gets split along gender lines in the case of a breakup. This I have never seen.

 

[cbmitch9]

To the OP and anyone else: Not to be judgemental but I notice some basic issues here. When you decide to partner with someone who does not have the same beliefs, morals, values or upbringing as you do, then this is what happens. You can't change people who refuse to look within themselves. Life is short. Save yourself. What good are you when you are broken with no one to fix you? I've been there before. Save yourself. Take the kid if you are able to and leave. But chances are you won't be able to take the child. Crap like this makes me sooo angry when adults have destroyed an innocent child's life and they aren't even aware of what they've done. I understand the abuelas and tias and tios madness. You are trying to fight a good fight and you are to be commended for that but run, save yourself.