Elitism, what a shame

[2LeftFeet]

Chip, I have always been a non- conformist but not when it is at the expense of a child who is being teased.

Girls are different. Girls, as in her friends can be very cruel and heartless. They go right for the jugular. For girls, as in your daughter, it is very difficult to be an outcast. We don't handle it the same as boys do. We NEED to be social and to be accepted. Boys can tease each other and they move on. When girls tease each other.. it stings and we don't. We take it very personally.

Miguel .. perfect. You are also showing your children that you respect them. Just because you are the FATHER doesn't mean you always have the last word. I think that that is a good parent.

 

[alicious]

Chip, I have always been a non- conformist but not when it is at the expense of a child who is being teased.

Girls are different. Girls, as in her friends can be very cruel and heartless. They go right for the jugular. For girls, as in your daughter, it is very difficult to be an outcast. We don't handle it the same as boys do. We NEED to be social and to be accepted. Boys can tease each other and they move on. When girls tease each other.. it stings and we don't. We take it very personally.

Miguel .. perfect. You are also showing your children that you respect them. Just because you are the FATHER doesn't mean you always have the last word. I think that that is a good parent.

I agree 100%...in my own experiences as a little girl, as well as observing the 5 and 6 year olds in my class that I taught...girls make fun of each other in a mental way that will last way beyond the little scraps and physical fights that boys get into... Yes...those sweet innocent lookin lil girls can cause the most long last pain to any child!!!!!:ermm:

 

[sokitoumi]

is there such thing as faithism

 

[Rocky]

is there such thing as faithism

Not in my dictionary.

 

[miguel]

Ahi te va', Chip....

....Here goes my reply to you, Chip, from the other thread:

Chip, it seems to me that YOU are the one doing all the sacrifices in your marriage.

The way you sound, it seems like you do EVERYTHING in your household while your wife stays home watching novelas (your words).

Yes, a marriage is hard but it's much harder when ONLY one of the two is doing all the hard work.

You mentioned that your wife and you almost divorced because you told her that your daughter should go to bed at 11pm during school days and your wife said that she should go to bed whenever she felt like it...

Not only is 11pm too late, but to tell you that a 3 year old should go to bed whenever she felt like it, and to even consider ending a marriage because of it, only shows that your wife is the one who "wears the pants" in your relationship.

I am not trying to be harsh since I am going based on the things YOU are saying, but again, taking advantage of your kindess/niceness comes to mind.

I will say this for the million times:

People will walk all over you ONLY if you let them.

It's a known fact that "monsters" are created and you are the only one to blame for your wife doing what she does.

Honestly, if saving my marriage means that I will let my wife walk all over me, then the hell with her and the marriage.

Perhaps it's too late for you to put your foot down since it seems that she can make you do whatever she pleases and you, for the sake of the marriage, are too willing to accept what she says and the way she is.

I honestly wish you good luck and I hope to God that one day you wake up and stop letting people take advantage of you. (Although it doesn't look too promising).

 

[AZB]

In dominican marriage, the man has to set the ground rules way before the marriage. If not, then you will simply create a monster out of her. The north american male treats a dominicana as thou she is equal, when in fact he lacks the education (in most gingo / dominican marriages), comes from a background which is completely opposite to North american culture. She is usually incapable of making any sane decisions. Yet for some reason, the North american male gives her the power to make decisions. When he starts to treat her equal and often times, treats her as if she is sacred, she often times goes over his head. She takes over the control in the house and thus, the problems start. She will run her house the campesino ways, meaning, loud music when she is doing daily house work, her family in the house everyday, beer drinking all hours of the day, no fixed eating hours or sleeping hours, never drink water, always soda or juice or beer, cooking unhealthy food, eating unhealthy food, putting in bleach in colored clothes, mixing colored clothes with whites etc. In simple words, she will do whatever she feels like doing whether its good or bad. You will not be able to reason with her.
This is the typical recipe to disaster and unfortunately the kids get caught in the middle.
Chip is probably with her for the sake of his kids but I can imagine how he cringes whenever she doesn't listen to him and does whatever she feels is right or convenient. This is the price people pay when they get involved with people who are not compatible.
I wish him luck.
AZB

 

[alicious]

In ANY marriage it has to be 50/50

I don't care what country it is from, and what culture..but a honest to goodness real and happy marriage has to be give and take equally from both sides.

Yes, there are the Dominican machistos...and that is the most common way in the DR.

But in any HAPPY marriage, it will be 50/50 give and take behind closed doors. I'm sure for appearances in many (Dominican) relationships, to the out wards, the man makes all the decisions...but I am a FIRM believer that it is 100% impossible to have an *honestly* (not just what you see and what they tell you) happy and good relationship where the give and take is not 50/50...

 

[Chip]

Miguel

Believe me I have put my foot down, especially since we have moved here. She can no longer blame the situation in the US for whatever. She in fact says I am too harsh and at times some in her family agree with them, but then again after I explain everything they usually agree with me. The fact is marriage is no piece of cake, but I have not thrown in the towel yet. I am a traditionalist whereby I believe that when a decision needs to be made and a compromise can't be brokered, it falls on the man to do it. She may not like it but I tell here that as long as I don't cheat on her or hit her or otherwise mistreat her she should respect my decisions, because at the end of the day one needs to be made.

The most important thing to keep in mind is that marriage is not easy for most period. And it is not always 50/50 as it should be. Why wife has "issues", but then again I'm hardly perfect either. However, this is the bed I made and now I have to sleep in it. In spite of all that I am a relatively happy guy, thankful to have three wonderful daughters who seem to love me very much. Also, I have made a few new friends here too. I am a low maintenance type of guy anyway, I don't need a lot to be content.

ciao

 

[alicious]

Chip...not to pick apart your words at all...but not only is not cheating and not hitting a woman important..(well that should be a given..but in the DR it is not)...I think RESPECT is one of the most important things. And it must be mutual.

Compromise is a hard thing to come by, but if the respect from both sides is there, the compromise is that much easier...

And yes..advice is much easier to give than follow

And please...dont use the "I'm hardly perfect either" line....please...that is you just giving her excuses...

No one is perfect...we don't live in a perfect world...and as I said things should be 50/50..and to perfectly happy in a relationship, that is how they have to be...but yes..life is not perfect...so things should never get more than 40/60...lol

You don't always have to work for it...sit back and let her work for it sometimes...

There is my Oprah/Dr.Phil or whatever advice for the day...lol

 

[miguel]

Te entiendo......

Miguel

Believe me I have put my foot down, especially since we have moved here. She can no longer blame the situation in the US for whatever. She in fact says I am too harsh and at times some in her family agree with them, but then again after I explain everything they usually agree with me. The fact is marriage is no piece of cake, but I have not thrown in the towel yet. I am a traditionalist whereby I believe that when a decision needs to be made and a compromise can't be brokered, it falls on the man to do it. She may not like it but I tell here that as long as I don't cheat on her or hit her or otherwise mistreat her she should respect my decisions, because at the end of the day one needs to be made.

The most important thing to keep in mind is that marriage is not easy for most period. And it is not always 50/50 as it should be. Why wife has "issues", but then again I'm hardly perfect either. However, this is the bed I made and now I have to sleep in it. In spite of all that I am a relatively happy guy, thankful to have three wonderful daughters who seem to love me very much. Also, I have made a few new friends here too. I am a low maintenance type of guy anyway, I don't need a lot to be content.

ciao

I understand where you are coming from, Chip.

But on the same token, let me tell you something that I am 1,000% sure:

IF she was married to a Dominican who was the bread winner, THERE'S NO DOUBTS IN MY MIND THAT:

1- She would be the one doing the grocery shopping,
2- She would be the one taking their daughter to school,
3- She would be the one taking their daughter lunch at school,
4- She would be the one picking up their daughter from school,
5- She would be the one doing MOST of the errands,
6- She would NOT tell him their 3 year old will go to bed when she feels like it,
7- She will watch novelas only when he is not around,
8- She would OBEY him and only do what he says,
9- She better have the meals prepared when he gets home, no excuses,
10- And all of the above she better do without complaining because if she complains, not only would he, in many cases, dump her axx, but would also leave her with with the kids and not help her financially!!.

And that doesn't include him being unfaithful to her for being a "zero a la izquierda" (A zero to the left).

See, Chip, when a woman doesn't work in the DR and the man is the bread winner, MOST women become second hand citizens without a voice. It's nothing new.

Trust me, she does it to you because she knows how to control you.

I can bet my life that she would NOT do the same to a Dominican man!!.

 

[Lambada]

Chip,

A bit of well meaning advice from an older woman. I saw your comment on the other thread about your wife's depression. If that is what it is, it needs diagnosis and treatment. Done properly by those qualified. With respect, not discussed here on DR1.

It is your choice whether you wish to air your marital difficulties on a public forum. Personally I'd advise against it. Unless posts get deleted there is a permanency about them you may not want a few years down the line. And for those in the business it is easy to spot information about the self which might perhaps be a little too revealing. If you need help yourself there are avenues to obtain it.

Please don't take this the wrong way. It is coming from someone kindlily disposed towards you who feels you should protect yourself from the sort of slings and arrows you can receive on a public forum.

 

[bigbird]

Lambada, those were some of the kindest words I have read on this board in a long time!

 

[asopao]

I at first wanted to blame this on my wife's family who call eachother "haitiano" when one misbehaves but my wife says it is almost a term of endearment.

Dude, this is an issue that you have to tackle man. DR mentality has been severely damaged since colonial times. Advice not just to you , but to everybody that is in this same picture. Follow your intinct and put a stop to this feces man. Grab your wife/husband and tell him that this is not proper behavior. You must establish your beliefs/value system man!

In my house, I have a sign by the door, it says:

In this house, you cannot say:

1) pelo malo
2) gringo
3)maricon
4)pelo bueno

..etc, etc.

This way, your children will adopt these values.

Regarding your situation with your daughter. I agree with you 100% about not giving in to " comemierderia"(snobishness), but the best thing you can do is to take your daughter out of that school.

I don't have kids, and I'm nobody to say. But I'm just saying from my experiences when I was a kid.

My brother and I went to a public school in DR,I don't know about now, but there I learned alot,not only academically, but also the foundations on how to be humble.

I was one of the well off kids in the school. I always had an allowance of 25 cents for recreo( reccess time), back then you could buy like 2 yaniqueques with it. My friends who were very poor, didn't get any allowance,so I always shared my yaniqueque and helados with them. They didn't have books, so they use to go to my house, or I would go to their house to read and do homework. Sometime i lend them my books.

Some of these kids have become sucessful overthere, and they still love me till this day, remembering those old days of sharing and solidarity.

In that public school I was exposed to the real DR, how cruel life was, and me as a kid, realized how good I had it. Always breakfast, lunch and dinner on the table, always getting toys in Reyes Magos.

When I went to NY, i went to another public school there, and met a kid that was in one of these private " middle class" schools in DR. This kid was ridiculously arrogant and very selfish. I was friends with him, but I had to cut with him because we weren't " compatible". I wasn't going to be like him , to be " compatible". I just thought myselft that is so sad that he his brain got so damaged like that, and he is still snobbish till this day.

I would suggest to enroll her in a " escuelita" with a two or three private teachers sthat can teach English too, and that recieve a class about " your values". That all the parents share the same values that you have.
because that school where she is going is going to cause permanent damage to you child, and you don't want that.

 

[Berzin]

I understand where you are coming from, Chip.

But on the same token, let me tell you something that I am 1,000% sure:

IF she was married to a Dominican who was the bread winner, THERE'S NO DOUBTS IN MY MIND THAT:

1- She would be the one doing the grocery shopping,
2- She would be the one taking their daughter to school,
3- She would be the one taking their daughter lunch at school,
4- She would be the one picking up their daughter from school,
5- She would be the one doing MOST of the errands,
6- She would NOT tell him their 3 year old will go to bed when she feels like it,
7- She will watch novelas only when he is not around,
8- She would OBEY him and only do what he says,
9- She better have the meals prepared when he gets home, no excuses,
10- And all of the above she better do without complaining because if she complains, not only would he, in many cases, dump her axx, but would also leave her with with the kids and not help her financially!!.

And that doesn't include him being unfaithful to her for being a "zero a la izquierda" (A zero to the left).

See, Chip, when a woman doesn't work in the DR and the man is the bread winner, MOST women become second hand citizens without a voice. It's nothing new.

Trust me, she does it to you because she knows how to control you.

I can bet my life that she would NOT do the same to a Dominican man!!.

Bravo Miguel,

I tried to allude to this many pages ago when he posted his to-do list. The list YOU just posted should be a sticky.

Chip, it may be too late for you but what you need to understand is you are not in the US. These women are not accustomed to US ways of life.

But I've been there. Not in a marriage, but in a relationship. You start treating her like she has equal rights and she will NOT respect you. Dominican men behave in a certain way, and you may feel that she would or should be grateful to have found a man who isn't like the others but this is not the case.

She will NOT respect you, she will let you do ALL the work and in the end she will argue with you like a little child whenever she doesn't get her way because YOU conditioned her to be like this.

And now it is too late. You moved to the DR so that she could be in HER comfort zone, so that SHE can keep being who she is as opposed to adapting to her surroundings, and now I see YOU are doing the same thing. YOU are refusing to adapt to YOUR surroundings.

I hate to say this but from reading about your situation I feel as if the DR is not for you. Maybe you should consider re-locating, as it is obvious you have no feel for the country or its culture. It seems as if you just want to bang your head against the wall at every possible turn instead of assimilating to your environment.

Guaranteed this is all going to end badly.

 

[Squat]

This thread is getting slippery... It now shows more of Chip's personal problems... I understand advices can't be given without knowing the "big picture", but Lambada is right, a public forum is not the best place to discuss your marital issues...
I just want to say that I wish Chip the best.

 

[Rocky]

This thread is getting slippery... It now shows more of Chip's personal problems... I understand advices can't be given without knowing the "big picture", but Lambada is right, a public forum is not the best place to discuss your marital issues...
I just want to say that I wish Chip the best.

Here, here.
This is way too personal.

 

[Chip]

Thanks to all for the responses and advice.

I have decided that I am going to continue to do what I have been doing because I believe it is best in the long run. I also don't plan on leaving the DR, because in spite of it's challenges we are happier here. As far as my marriage, it is what it is and I already said I'm content and hope my wife will be someday too(that is her choice) so I don't see a problem. Those who are married can understand for sure.

 

[El Tigre]

I hope everyone HAD FUN!!!